Your Horoscopes

Crystal ball

Jack Radio’s Pessimistic Peg has been gazing into her dusty balls to connect with the universe. She’s here to bring you the most accurate and inspiring horoscopes you’ll ever read!

 

(Well, that’s what she told us, we just copied and pasted that here.)

 

Alright, ducks? I’ve pulled the fluff out of my third eye to see your future, ooh yes I have. Read on to find out what’s in store for you this week. 

 

Me? I’m off t' Bingo on Tuesday, wish me luck!

 

Capricorn 
December 22 – January 19

The moon is in Uranus this week, you can get a cream for that. See your GP, pronto.

 

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Aquarius, this week you’ll be very careless with your possessions. Keep your wits about you if you want to keep all your toenails in situ.

 

Pisces
February 19 – March 20

You will encounter frustration this week when you try and nail jelly to a wall. So perhaps… don’t?

 

Aries
March 21 – April 19

This week sees you having trouble with technology. I can see clearly now… Keep the Cup-a-Soup away from your laptop. #HotTip

 

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your hair will be terrible this week. Buy a hat.

 

Gemini

June 21 – July 20

Some people say Geminis are two-faced. Heads up, Boots have stacks of make-up on special offer for BOTH of them. Get shopping!

 

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Cancer, you are so very loyal and that’s so very admirable. Except for when it comes to your slippers. They stink, get rid.

 

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Leo, you can sometimes be accused of being passive-aggressive. I recommend just being aggressive, it’ll work better! #ProTip

 

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Virgo, I hear you’re very analytical and hard working. I’ll believe it when you do my tax return.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

Ah lady Libra, stop pouting behind Pluto and accusing people of stealing your lunch. You know you ate it at 10:30am.

 

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Scorpio, you’re known for being very intuitive. I can’t be bothered to tell you your horoscope. You’ll figure it out.

 

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Change is good! Eat three pennies today!

 

Did your horoscope come true? Let Pessimistic Peg know on Twitter or Facebook.

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